Attachment…I think I’ll Stick With It

Attachment…I think I’ll Stick With It

“They say that people are innately afraid of those who need them, they say that people are afraid of “clingyness”, afraid of attachment, afraid of being needed by another. But I beg to disagree. I believe that people when looking at someone who is needy of them, see themselves and see their own fears and they go away because they can’t handle those fears; it’s their own neediness that they’re afraid of! They’re afraid to want and to need because they’re afraid of loss and of losing, so when they see these things in another, that’s when they run away. Nobody is actually running away from other people; everybody is really running away from themselves!” – C. Joybell C.

The term attachment has been getting a lot of attention these days. I cannot recall exactly how many social media posts I have encountered that have stressed the new found acceptance for becoming detached to everything and everyone as a way of avoiding the chance of getting hurt or having to go through the terrible emotions that generally come over us when we lose something or someone.

“The beautiful thing about fear is, when you run to it, it runs away.”

– Robin Sharma

I get it. I understand how the emotionality that correlates with losing something that we like or love can hamper our ability to maintain our focus to get things done, and who wants to be in that type of predicament? When we slow down we are less productive, which in turn, often also means that we will be less accepted.

“Maybe life is about learning a better goodbye. Learning to let go of the one’s we love with nothing but love.” – JM Storm

The thing to remember is that attachment is in all of us. It is a part of us and a very human primal need. Without it, there is the potential to suffer worse than we would had we just succumbed to the attachment. To not want to bond well with something is probably okay; but to not want to bond well or genuinely connect with others is – well – a bit disturbing.

“And – was it really love if you didn’t feel that loss to the very core of your soul?” – Carol C.M.

Fear can protect us, but it can also cause us harm. There is a lot in life that we are not able to run away from, and should not run from if we want to truly experience life. I, for one, can honestly say that my acceptance of being attached to things has brought me as much happiness as it has brought me pain. My greatest lessons in life are those that were born out of immense love, my ability to accept moments of vulnerability, deep interest, passion and ultimately the loss of something or someone whether a relationship, parenthood, or an occupation or something else. I have loved and lost, but I have grown so much and that is what life is all about. Isn’t it? So be grateful for those moments that you realize that you have become attached to something, not fearful because that is just one more place where the beauty of life can be found. Leading you to a most substantial existence and life experience.

Until the next post,


If you enjoyed this post or found it helpful please feel free to share it – and as always…

Take care + be well,

Carol

Balanced Healing

Balanced Healing

“The waves ebb and the waves flow, and yet I never tire of watching from the shore, the way the waves rhythms show their intensity, then inactivity; as if to remind me of what I already know in my heart and in my soul, which is that to life there must be balance, and happiness is empty if sadness we must forego.”

– Carol C.M.

Thank You, I know you mean well, but…

Thank You, I know you mean well, but…

“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.” – Charles Glassman.


Help is supposed to be a good thing…Right?  Sometimes, though, it doesn’t feel so good.  Sometimes we try to help others by trying to present a solution to their problem without knowing that we may be making their problem worse.  Additionally, sometimes we unknowingly force our own personal beliefs and values onto others, or we might not notice that we are being passive-aggressive in the way that we are attempting to offer help.

When this happens after loss it can sometimes leave both sides wondering, “What just happened?” Sometimes it occurs right after a loved one has passed, and sometimes it  happens long after the funeral has ended and the person grieving is still trying to adjust to the effects of their loss, but when it happens it is always something that the person grieving almost usually never forgets.

I understand. I understand completely. When someone dies it is hard to find the right words to say. We’re always concerned about whether we are saying the right thing to the person who had to say goodbye to someone that they knew. Someone that they cared for and in many cases loved.

We all know of some of the standard ways to address those who are grieving. Ways that we have become accustomed to.  I know because I have used some of those words myself, but that was before I could even begin fathom what it was like to lose someone whose absence meant that my entire life would change and never be the same. It was long before I knew what it was like to lose a child. Long before I experienced losing someone who wasn’t supposed to leave this earth before me, (or anyone else in my immediate family for that matter.)

To anyone wanting to offer condolences to the grieved, please understand that person’s loss may not be the first loss that they have had to endure. They may have lost many people in their lifetime, and as a result, they may not feel that this particular loss was a part of God’s plan, or that “it was for the best.”

Maybe it was a part of God’s plan and maybe they are in a better place, but the chances that someone who just lost someone is going to agree that what happened was for the best is very slim.  This is especially true for parents who have lost a child. Losing a child is considered to be one of the hardest forms of grief to overcome. It’s exhausting.

So, a little word of advice from a grieving mom.  The next time that you a presented with the chance to extend your condolences to someone, remember that person has just gone through what might be the most horrible time in their life and your thoughtfulness and  could make a world of difference.

One of the best condolences that I received was “I am sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.” This let me know that the person felt bad about what happened, but it also let me know that they understood that I was going through a tough time and that they would be there for me if I needed anything.

If you are unsure of what to way, simply say exactly that, say that you’re unsure of what to say. Say that you are sorry and that you don’t know what to say because that will be better than saying nothing at all; and if you want to be a bit more expressive just try not to say anything that may be offensive. Sometimes its best to keep it simple and straight to the point, but being considerate of someone’s loss and their needs usually never fails.

Until the next post,


 

Take care + be well,

Carol

1-800-273-TALK(8255)

1-800-273-TALK(8255)
September was National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.  I know… my post is a little late considering that we are now a few days into October, but the truth is, I wanted to wait to post this because oftentimes we tend to forget about the causes that we support the moment that the cause’s awareness month has ceased.  So, in a way, this is my way of reminding myself and others to remember that suicide is something that we should not just think about every September.  Suicide is something that we should be aware of year round.  This is by no means because I think that it is more important than any other cause; but because I think that it isn’t thought of as often as it should be considering that it appears to be a considerable, perplexing and somewhat mysterious problem affecting many individuals, their families and friends.
The topic of suicide is often something that people find uncomfortable discussing despite the fact that is such an important issue.  People, who for whatever reason, ultimately reach a point in their lives where they feel so despondent that they eventually feel that continuing their lives is no longer an option must be hurting, immensely, and beyond anything that anyone else could ever imagine…(I, of course am postulating here.)
We have witnessed celebrities and people who seem to have it all chose to end their lives and we are left to wonder why? Many of us have also witnessed people who lived less extravagant lives make the same decision again leaving us to contemplate what happened.  It is evident that there are many people hurting and suffering in silence – all while leaving their families, friends and others with the impression that everything is fine and normal as usual.  Yet, those are only appearances. Appearances that we tend to inaccurately assess; or perhaps maybe it is that they are just more adept at ensuring that no one ever gets a glimpse into that nebulous side of them – again for whatever reason.  Let’s think about that for a second. Really let it soak in.  You can’t help consider that something is terribly amiss here; but what is it?
From what I remember from my psychology courses when I was working on completing my degree a few years ago and through my own research, there aren’t any known actual causes of suicide.  However there are a few risk factors which include the following:
  • Family history
  • Mental illness such as depression or bi-polar disorder
  • Substance abuse
  • Difficult relationships
  • Extreme hardship
  • Grief and loss
  • Extensive emotional and/or physical pain, and
  • Having had attempted suicide previously
Moreover, individuals considered at risk may
  • Seem extremely sad, withdrawn and hopeless
  • Lose or gain weight
  • Appear to be tired all of the time
  • Behave in an unusual manner 
  • Seem to avoid their usual activities or lose interest in them.
  • Talk often about life insurance and wills, suicide, or other things related to death and dying 

One important thing to remember is that it can be difficult to detect the symptoms associated with suicide, namely because they tend to hide their true feelings of sadness, by trying to appear “normal” by preoccupying themselves with work or other busy tasks.  They may also exhibit an abundance of energy or excitability and any of these can lead someone to miss the hidden signs of despair.
If you know someone who might appear to be exhibiting any of these signs. Consider reaching out to them because they need to know that someone is by their side.  They need to know that someone cares. Sometimes the reason that they don’t reach out to anyone themselves is because they were once taught to believe that feeling sad, depressed and hopeless is just weakness. Some were also brought up to believe that seeking mental help is also a sign of weakness or unnecessary when there are other sources of help such as through attending church for example. Yet, being that the cause could be medically related that belief is not very helpful. What is more helpful is listening to the person and trying to help them find the good in life again. What is more helpful than that is assisting them with finding a medical professional to help them in ways that no one else probably can.  Lastly, I’ll end by writing (typing) the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Number one more time, you know, just in case you forgot it.  1(800) 273-Talk (8255) Pass it on.
Until the next post,

Take care + Be well,
Carol

  

 

 

 

Love’s Burden

Love’s Burden

“Your burden is already so heavy, so be light with yourself. Look at the way you take the pain from your heartache and allow it to sustain you through the rough waves of mourning – Never once forgetting that your reason for enduring it all was and will always be love.”

– Carol C.M.

A Little Bit of Nature Helps

A Little Bit of Nature Helps

 


 


Neither of us knew how to explain exactly how we felt, but… Last year as summer began to come to an end, the last thing that my husband and I wanted to hear was anything that had to do with going out to “do something.”  As far as we were concerned, we were doing something…something called trying to process what happened and trying to heal.  Was that not enough?  Even after all that we had just been through?  Celebrating, exercising, or vacationing was not something that we were interested in making a priority at the time.
It took us nearly 3 months to feel even the slightest bit comfortable going out to do anything; and once we were finally ready, we decided that a simple hike would be a great way to relive some stress and get our endorphins going again.  That trip turned out to be one of the best decisions that we ever made.
Well, it’s that time of year again, and this week we got the same little “itch” that provoked us last year to get out – not to do anything “fancy” – but to just go somewhere where there was peacefulness. Somewhere where we could just go and reconnect with nature ( and ourselves) and contemplate the meaning of life yet again.
When you are immersed in nature and enjoying all of it’s beauty, it helps you remember that there is still so much outside of ourselves, our jobs, and our homes to be thankful for.  You begin to realize that even through difficult times life is still amazing. Furthermore, it gives a boost to your immune system and the change of scenery can help brighten your outlook and change any negative perspectives that you may be holding. Personally, I don’t think that there is a better natural mood booster than spending time outdoors, getting lots of fresh air and taking in the sights and sounds of our beautiful planet.
Not to get off topic but let me revert back to the issue of celebrating while grieving for a moment…We found ourselves feeling a little guilty for going out after having turned down invitations from a few family and friends. It makes you feel really bad, but in all honesty it was better being truthful about how we felt instead of being more concerned with what everyone would think, only because it would be devastating to attend an event that could likely be a trigger for our grief. More important we would never want to ruin anyone’s celebration with our sadness. It just didn’t seem worth it and we figured that it would be best if we didn’t attend anything until we were completely prepared to be good company. The right time, unfortunately, was not a couple of months after our loss. We were confident that anyone who had invited us to their event during that time would understand…and  gratefully they did.  More often than not your family and friends will understand – especially if they have witnessed your pain.  Just be sure to let them know that you will do your best to join them the next time; and if possible it couldn’t hurt to send a small gift to remind them that you do care about them as well.
The important thing to take away from this is to not focus on what you are not yet able to to do while healing from your loss. It is more helpful to stay focused on what you can do now.  Just do  whatever you can do to motivate yourself to get out and back into your life – enjoying your life, and if you can’t seem to get out at least make sure that you are doing something positive for your mental and physical well-being. Doing something is always better than doing nothing in this case and if you have to take baby steps to get back to your normal self that is completely acceptable. 
Until the next post…

Take care + Be well,
Carol  

Staying Strong After Loss

Staying Strong After Loss

When we experience loss we tend to become internally disoriented. That internal disorientation comes to us in the form of sadness + anger + misery + regret + trepidation + (because we’re often hoping that the person that we lost could come back…) wishfulness.

We’re often affected physically as well, which is where those things like losing your appetite (or having it increase ), being unable to sleep or feel rested, and having an overall sense of discomfort + uneasiness takes over. I’ve learned that these are all normal responses to the process of grieving.

Having to bear the weight of, (what at the time seems like), almost unimaginable tasks such as adjusting to a new relationship with with the person that you have lost + trying to fully understand the loss + trying to develop a whole new way of being in the world after the loss adds to the burden and oftentimes we are not prepared to manage all that has been placed before us.

Yet, finding a way, (or ways), to adjust to our loss can help keep the pain from consuming us.

Learning to adjust is necessary because life is going to keep revolving around you – and if you don’t find a way return to life you are going to have a very hard time with those internal and physical symptoms – making it much more difficult to heal and live your life.

Some of the things that have helped me return to myself include:

• Showing myself a little compassion by resting when I felt as though I needed to…and not feeling guilty about doing so.

• Asking for (or accepting) help from others when I needed it. This helped me feel less overwhelmed, but it also gave others the opportunity to feel good about helping someone through a rough time. It’s so important to not push these “beautiful” people away.

• Trying to laugh again without feeling as though I was dishonoring my lost loved one. Remembering that he wanted (wants) me to be happy. This helped me remember to keep looking for the joy in life and to not take it too seriously…to always remain open.

• Giving my loss meaning by focusing less on the fact that my loved one is no longer here…and more on how he positively impacted my life + that of others + keeping his legacy of loving life alive.

• I am a nature lover so getting out and enjoying the sights + sounds of nature was a given for me while on my healing journey. There are so many lessons in nature that can help with trying to understand + learning to appreciate loss of life. Nature tends to offer a neverending abundance of beautiful comparisons.

This list of mine is not exhaustive and as always we all have different methods that we can apply. These are a few that helped me through the early days when I was days + weeks into my loss. Please feel free to try any of them for yourself and if you do – let me know how it worked for you.

Until the next post…


Take care + Be well ♡

Carol