Five years ago, I stood at the edge of something I never anticipated — something I didn’t ask for, yet was suddenly compelled to live.
I was navigating the crushing weight of profound grief, mourning the unimaginable loss of one of my children, when my physical health began to deteriorate rapidly. What started as a sort of quiet exhaustion and unexplainable symptoms escalated into a life-threatening condition. I was losing weight at a frightening pace — around a pound to a pound and a half a day (without trying to lose any weight), and without an explanation. My body felt as though it was slipping away, and my spirit…well, it was preparing for the possibility of transitioning to the next realm. I even began making peace with the idea of being reunited with my son in the afterlife.
It was during this harrowing chapter of my life that I received an intervention that ultimately sustained my life. Furthermore, I was supposed to be on 4 medications — indefinitely, but that experience led me to make some changes which led to my not having to go that route. I began to look inward and ask myself the difficult questions. Questions like “What is the root cause of what was happening to my body? What was I feeding myself — physically? emotionally? spiritually? And more important what would it mean to truly listen to my body, mind, heart and soul to find the answers?
I made a vow to honor the vessel that I was given. I nourish my body with clean, whole foods, and choose to get the majority of my vitamins and minerals from those foods rather than relying on supplements, powders or pills. There is something more trustworthy to me about nutrients in their natural form — grown, not manufactured. I don’t subscribe to extreme diets because I believe that extremes are often more harmful than not. So, instead, I practice mindful eating — which is a return to how I used to eat as a child and young adult, before life became busier with juggling work, marriage and raising three children, going back to school to earn my degree and giving back to my communities by volunteering. Rediscovering this simple, intuitive way of nourishing myself has been quite refreshing. It is a beautiful, gentle and grounding reset of sorts.
Movement is also now a big part of my daily rhythm. Not as punishment or obligation, but as an act of love. Pure, unabashed, self-love. I continue to walk every day. I practice yoga, tending to my body, my breath and my inner stillness. Once a week, I strength train, practice Barre, and do aerobics to keep my cardiovascular system, muscles and bones strong, ( which is important for women my age). I hike, bike and play tennis as often as possible, and I have participated in a 5k every year for the past 7 years. But, my favorite thing to do from time to time is to dance freely, and joyfully around the house.
Those dancing moments are so sacred to me because they are an ode to the child that I lost. He and I had a love of dance in common, (him joining dance groups in his teen years, and me taking dance classes when I was younger — and missing it), and whenever I dance nowadays, I like to think that when I move to the the rhythm of joy down here on this earthly plane, it connects me to him up there in heaven and I want to believe that he sees me still dancing, (sometimes doing the moves that he taught me, and other times doing the old moves that I used to teach him), and I hope that he knows that I haven’t forgotten our steps together.
Another way that I have dedicated myself to improving my health and wellness is that I have also simplified my skincare by letting go of harsh prescription products like Retin-A and choosing natural, plant conscious ingredients instead. I’m trying my best to be intentional about everything that I put in and on my body, because I know that true wellness and well-being is a full-circle experience. It is physical. It is mental. It is spiritual. It is holistic.
Outside of my body, I care for my mind, heart and soul by meditating daily. This is the part of yoga that keeps me rooted through the uncertainties of life — in addition to the certainties. I have woven together a daily regimen of asana practice, meditation, pranayama and ayurvedic inspired routines that helps to keep my entire being sustained. It is a way of living that I can adhere to for the remainder of my life, no matter what I may be faced with. It has definitely already helped me survive the unimaginable –and thrive in the aftermath.
This journey has not been perfect or without struggle, but it has been a daily choice. Intention is very much at the heart of my experience. A soft persistence, and a sacred resistance of everything that tried to break me. Yes, my loss broke me, but I have also been rebuilt. Rebuilt with the raw materials of courage, strength, hope, memory, spirituality, and an unshakable will to move forward with a life that still holds beauty. That grief, I still make space for because it was such a wonderful guide that taught me how to live differently and with more reverence. I just don’t grasp it as tightly as I once did.
I now wake with even more gratitude for the little things. Move with more joy. Live and eat with more intention. Simple moments of sunlight coming through my window at just the right angle as I sip my tea, the sound of laughter in my home, and birdsong in my backyard while I water my garden are some of the most simple, but special moments that I truly adore.
Today, my body tells a different story than it did 5 years ago. My weight is balanced, my vitals are good, and at my last appointment my medical team smiled and said, ” Keep doing what you’re doing.” (They didn’t have to tell me twice). I’m not trying to be perfect, because perfection is an illusion. I’m just trying to take care of this gift that Source (God) gave me – and right now, I feel good, I feel strong, I feel centered. I feel more like myself again, and I think that’s important when Source has already let me know that I still have work to do here– at least for a little while longer.
Thanks for reading.
Until the next time.
Take care and be well,
— Carol
Salubrity and Soul 